Things I Could Do Instead of Reading

Reading is my life.

Books are what define me, at this point. I’ve been reading hardcore since I was in 6th grade, which was 10 years back! I’ve read so many books, and I’ve learnt so much from them. I’m known as the reader amongst my friends. Sure, there are a few others who read but none like me.

I put aside everything else to read. I read every spare moment I can. When I’m not reading, I talk about books. This blog is majorly about books, and I even have a bookstagram! If you asked my friends to tell one thing which defines me, they’d say books. They’d say that books are my life and I literally do not do anything else.

While I’m happy with my books, I do wonder what my life would be like if I didn’t read so much. What would I do? What would fill my days and nights? It’s a huge question mark. I cannot even remember how life was before I started reading, and I can’t imagine my future without books.

I read a post by Cotton Candy Book Witch on things she could do if she wasn’t reading, and it inspired to make my own list.


If I don’t read, I could…

Do an online course.

I’m being very academic and very college student, but it’s true. I’ve done a few online courses, but I’m actually in the middle of TWO MORE. But I have had zero progress on them recently because I don’t “find the time”. Basically, I choose reading over them.

If I didn’t read all the time, I could do online courses and learn so much more. Especially courses for my field. I really am interested in doing courses but I need some drive which makes me complete them. If I didn’t read books, I really think that I would spend time learning.

Try games

I am NOT into games. I barely even play mobile games. I used to be really into Wizard 101 back in 5th grade but I stopped it after a few months. Once I started reading, I haven’t touched a video game. A lot of my friends are gamers, and really enjoy it. I actually did try Dota once. I played a few bot games. But I didn’t like it, and I never felt like playing it again.

I stepped into video game waters again recently, this time I tried League of Legends. I played maybe four bot games. It’s not bad, but I again didn’t REALLY like it. I can see that it involves a lot of strategy and fast reflexes, but that’s not enough to get me to want to play it again. At least, not yet. I’ve decided that I’ll try a few more times before making a decision on giving up or continue playing.

I still prefer reading over playing. If I didn’t read, I might give a proper chance to gaming.

Picture of me reading.
Me whiling away my evenings by reading as usual 🙂

Make Art

I used to be very artsy. Painting was my favourite. In high school, I got into sketching. But sketching lasted a very short time since I was a HARD CORE READER then. I’d finish one book every two days. That left very less time for me to spend on art.

I believe that I still am artsy, or have the knack for art and design. But I don’t want to try more to make it a hobby. I do what little artsy things I can in my bullet journal, and that’s it. Compared to my primary school self who painted every two days and tried new things, I do absolutely nothing today.

And I think I’d really enjoy making art. I simply don’t take out the time for it.

Code More

If you don’t know, I’m a computer science and engineering student. Coding was not my first love like books, but I did take to it pretty fast. I remember learning programming for the first time in 11th grade, seeing words pop up the screen like I wanted them to, and it gave me a heady rush. I LOVED IT. I loved that I could make the computer do things, and that I could make small programs for myself.

Obviously, I can do a lot more now. I’m in my last year of college so it would be embarrassing if I didn’t lol.

If I didn’t read all the time, I would spend more time on competitive coding competitions or spend time on coding platforms online. I don’t do it regularly, but I do code VERY FEW TIMES. I enjoy coming up with solutions and trying again. I especially love coming up with many forms of logic and discussing about them with others. It’s definitely something I would spend my time on as a hobby/priority.

Go Out More

It’s true! I was very introverted before I started reading novels. But at least I wanted to be more social then. Since I started reading books, I substituted them in place of friends and a social life. For YEARS I did not seek social gatherings. I was happy at home reading.

I still am happy with my books by my own, but I recognize the importance of having a social life. I try more now. But, it’s still not as much. Until today, I prefer staying at home and reading than going out and visiting new places. My books gave me comfort and I’ve been choosing to stay in my comfort zone. There are so many places I want to visit, especially cafes and eateries in my city, but I barely go out!

It’s been better in the last year. I’ve spent a lot of quality time with people outside and have actually ventured to propose plans with other people. I doubt that I’ll choose going out over reading in the future, but I will be somewhere in between.

My friends and I on the day of the release of BTS's movie Love Yourself In Seoul this year
My friends and I on the day of the release of BTS’s movie Love Yourself In Seoul this year

And I think that’s it??? Its so hard to think about what I would do if I didn’t read! It’s all I know now. Reading has also brought me so many different types of hobbies (blogging, bookstagram, twitter, tumblr) and has introduced me to amazing people online.

Almost every aspect of my daily life has books in it somehow. Thinking about what I could do without books is truly hard. I only came up with 5 points! How disappointing.

Twitter | Instagram | Goodreads | Pinterest

What’s your main hobby, which you spend most of your time on? What could you do if you didn’t have that hobby? Do you relate to my clueless-ness? Tell me in the comments!

the sunday post header

The Sunday Post // books and so much Netflix

Happy Sunday y’all!

It’s been a hot minute since I did a Sunday Post. It’s one of my favourite kind of posts to do because 1) it’s easy to write about my life and 2) it’s almost like free writing. My words just flow most of the time.

The Sunday Post is a weekly blogging meme hosted by The Caffeinated Book Reviewer to update the internet on what we’ve been up to in the last week.

WHAT I READ

Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman

I read Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine the first half of the week. I really liked it. I loved the writing, the character, and especially Eleanor’s journey. My heart was full of emotion by the time I read the last line of the book.

I’m really glad that I picked up this book on impulse in the bookstore. It deserves so much more love than I’ve been seeing for it. I wrote a review on it as well. Click here to read my review.

The Poppy War by R. F. Kuang

I’m currently reading The Poppy War, which I started right after I finished Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine. I’m participating in the Autumn is for Asia read-a-long on Instagram which is a themed read-a-long. The hosts have picked books written by Asian authors which we plan to read this Autumn.

I even made a whole bullet journal page dedicated to the read-a-long because I’m really forward to reading all the books. I’m adding in my Instagram post below, which also has the hosts tagged in the caption so you can visit their accounts to check out the read-a-long book list!

Shameless self-plug: follow me on Instagram while you’re there!

I’m really enjoying The Poppy War! It’s pretty brutal about war and how the bloodshed and killings are. The author has also managed to bring in the emotions well in the book. I’m 79% into the book right now. Since the book is huge (it’s a tome, lol), I’m glad I’m reading it in my Kindle so I’m not intimidated by the size.

I’m really unsure how I’ll write a review for this book because SO MUCH happens, and there are several things that I want to talk about.

WHAT I WATCHED

Reign

Earlier this week, I saw a clip on YouTube of Once Upon A Time which has Adelaide Kane in it. I was so surprised to see her! I stopped watching Once Upon A Time a long time back, I guess at season 3, but I really want to start it again. It looks like it’s still going good.

After I saw that, I searched for a video compilation of Francis and Mary from Reign (because I LOVED Adelaide Kane in Reign, and I really liked that show). I watched the show only until season 2 but I shipped Mary and Francis. I didn’t care about spoilers, so I just watched the video. And I was so surprised by a few things! It sparked my interest in watching Reign again, and hence I started watching it again from the beginning.

I only watched 3 episodes so far but I’m enjoying it a lot, just like the first time I saw it.

If you don’t know Reign: it’s a show based on the true story of Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots. It’s very engaging and entertaining to watch.

Queer Eye

I started watching Queer Eye a few weeks back, and I LOVE IT. A lot of bookstagrammers whom I follow recommend this show and I’m glad I listened to them. I finished season 1 pretty quick, but I’m crawling through season 2. Probably because I’m not in the mood to cry.

Queer Eye has, without fail, made me cry every single episode. It’s so emotional. I’m tearing up now just thinking about some scenes.

If you don’t know Queer Eye: 5 gay men make-over people who are stuck in their lives or require a little push to achieve their dreams. They make so much difference in the lives that they touch.

Falling Inn Love

Netflix recommended this movie to me. It sounded really good so I watched it, and I LOVED IT. This is such a good movie! I especially really liked the main character Gabriela. She’s stubborn, headstrong and so charming. Her romantic interest Jake perfectly complemented her. The chemistry was ON POINT.

The movie is a really nice rom-com to watch and chill. The amazing Australian accent helps too. I loved the accent lol.

If you don’t know Falling Inn Love: it follows Gabriela, who won an inn in New Zealand after she loses her job. She’s an architect and believes that this inn will be her dream project. While working on the inn, she ropes in the local carpenter Jake Taylor to help her. Between making plans and renovating the inn, romance sparks.

The movie also has EVERY CHEESY TROPE and I LOVE IT. It’s so cliche but I’m obsessed and want to rewatch it already.

Radio Rebel

I recommended this movie (which I’ve seem multiple times) to a friend two years back. He STILL hasn’t seen it, saying that he can’t find it. I looked it up and found that it’s on Netflix (!!!). LMAO. He was like damn I shall watch right now. Since it’s available, and I felt like it, I watched it as well. It’s been so long since I watched and I truly missed it.

If you don’t know Radio Rebel: Tara is a shy teen in high school who barely speaks to anyone except her friends, but is secretly a popular radio DJ. Her popularity starts to blow up even more once she joins her step dad’s radio channel. And her real life also starts to get real happening. Will she become confident in real life? Will she win over her crush? We’ll see!

Life As We Know It

I was scrolling through Netflix’s rom-coms and saw this one. I only watched this movie once a long time back on TV. I really liked it then, so I watched it again this week. If you can’t tell, I like to stick to movies that I like and don’t try new ones much.

It was super nice and gave me all the feels. I still really like this movie.

If you don’t know Life As We Know It: Holly and Eric hate each other ever since a disastrous first date which was set up by their best friends. As their best friends married and had a baby, they tolerate each other through insults. When their best friends pass away in a car accident, leaving them as the baby’s guardians, they have to step up. While managing a new life, a baby and also their careers, they begin to truly get to know each other.

Letters to Juliet

I felt like rewatching an old favourite again, so I went this one next. I absolutely love Amanda Seyfried, Vanessa Redgrave and Christopher Egan in the movie.

Watching it again was almost like watching it for the first time because it’s been a long time since I last saw it. The romance, the relationships, and the unending hope warmed my heart.

If you don’t know Letters to Juliet: While on vacation in Verona, Sophie encounters a group of women who call themselves the “Secretaries of Juliet” and respond to the letters written to Juliet by tourists. She helps them one day and discovers a 50 year old letter hidden behind rocks. When she replied to it, the woman from the letter and her grandson show up! The woman, Claire, wants to find her love from 50 years back whom she left behind. Sophie goes along with Clair and her grandson Charlie on an adventure to find Lorenzo Bartolini.

The Age of Adaline

This was recommended to me by Netflix a couple days back. I was intrigued by the synopsis, and it has Blake Lively, so I watched it. It was actually pretty good! I really liked Blake Lively’s acting. The movie leaves you feeling very hopeful in the end, and that’s nice.

If you don’t know The Age of Adaline: The movie follows Adaline Bowman, who stopped aging in her late twenties due to dying and being revived through lightning underwater. She changes identities and location every 10 years to make sure that no one suspects anything. But she’s tired of running, especially after meeting a very charming man. Will she get her happily ever after? Is she strong enough to tell her truth and take a shot at love? Watch to find out.

Wow I spoke so much about movies. This blog post is basically just about the movies I watched lol.

OTHER UPDATES

I got through week 2 of college, and it’s boring as heck. It’s nice to see my friends everyday but I’m just not able to become enthusiastic about my subjects yet. I hope I can get motivated to study them soon, though. We started classes a whole month late and will be going really fast.

I don’t have anything else to say. Life is just.. going on.

How was your week? Update me on your life in the comments!

Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine || brilliant main character

Title: Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine
Author: Gail Honeyman
Genre: Contemporary Fiction
Category: Young Adult
Series info: Standalone

Goodreads

I found this on Instagram, like I seem to find every other other book nowadays. And like usual, Instagram didn’t let me down.

Trigger warnings: depression, suicide, PTSD, alcoholism

SYNOPSIS

Eleanor Oliphant’s routine is set. She works all week, spends time on crosswords during her breaks, reads books at home and drinks two bottles of vodka during the weekend to make it go faster. She doesn’t have friends or anyone to spend time with.


“When the silence and the alone-ness press down and around me, crushing me, carving through me like ice, I need to speak aloud sometimes, if only for proof of life.”

And so, Eleanor speaks to her plant.

One day, an act of kindness by her new colleague towards someone on the road in her presense sets off a chain of events. Through that one act, dominoes of events and people fall into her life.

Eleanor also sees a singer during a theatre performance and instantly falls in love with him. She’s convinced that Johnnie Lennon is the perfect man for her, and now she just has to make sure that they meet. Eleanor becomes obsessed with having a perfect life with him and making the right first impression, which leads her to making changes to her life as well.

The book is more than her making changes to her life, though. These changes cause her to finally face how she’s been living and also face her past.

MY REVIEW

I don’t really know how to review this book, because it’s so many things and one thing at the same time. I also have no clue how to articulate my views and feelings exactly.

Eleanor is a very complicated character. It took me a few chapters to properly understand her. Initially, I didn’t want to like her. She judges people very quickly, and is often rude in her judgement. A while later I felt sympathetic for her.

To be honest, I didn’t completely understand Eleanor until I had read most of the book. There are so many facets to her. You have to read through the book and learn every single one of them. There’s the well-read Eleanor, with a tremendous vocabulary; the lonely Eleanor, with no one to truly talk to; the socially inept Eleanor, who is awkward in conversation with people; the depressed Eleanor, because of her abusive mother; and so much more.


“I feel sorry for beautiful people. Beauty, from the moment you possess it, is already away, ephemeral. That must be difficult. Always having to prove that there’s more to you, wanting people to see beneath the surface, to be loved for yourself, and not your stunning body, sparkling eyes or thick, lustrous hair.”


We slowly get to know Eleanor through her experiences, thoughts, and opinions. I love the writing of the book because of that. It’s clear that we don’t know her well, and at many turns we peel back another layer to Eleanor. It made the book immersive. I felt like I was truly getting to know her.

Eleanor is widely read, and has a great vocabulary. (She’s very smart as well) This was, simultaneously, annoying and nice. She used a lot of words that I haven’t come across before and, hence, I needed my phone nearby to look up words all the time. It kept breaking up my reading, but I’m glad for it as well. I miss learning new words from books. I actually MARKED all the new words that I came across so I could go through them again.

My favourite part of the book is Eleanor’s journey. Eleanor goes through so much in the span of this book. I was inspired by her journey and her path to healing and self-forgiveness. She finally faced her past and her demons after reaching thirty years of age. That was beautiful to watch.

OVERALL

If I had to summarize why you should read this:

  • Amazing mental illness/depression rep.
  • Amazing healing rep.
  • A brilliant and complicated character.
  • Immersive writing.

I recommend Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine to EVERYONE because Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine and YOU SHOULD KNOW WHY.

I rate this book..

4/5 stars

Have you read this book? Do you read books talking about mental illnesses?

About Beginnings

Note: This is another rambly post.

How do you start something?

Be it a project, a semester, a blog post, or even a conversation with someone new. How do you start it? More specifically, how do you feel before, during, and right after “the beginning”?

Beginnings are defining points in our lives. There are an infinite number of beginnings—small and big—and just as each decision we take in our lives create ripple effects, every beginning creates a unique path for you to go on. Depending on how beginnings go, your path either widens or narrows. It’s very interesting, if you overthink beginnings and imagine the scenarios that may occur.

I’m overthink often, but not in panic or anxiety. When I find myself with a pocket of free time, my mind goes to various scenarios that could occur. I won’t lie, most of my imaginations are negative. I think about how situations can worsen or what would be worst case scenarios. And then, I think about how I would deal with those situations. It’s a weird coping mechanism. Since I know what I will do in advance, I feel better going into whatever situation. Mentally, I’m prepared for the worst.

I’m the same with beginnings. Even if I’m just talking to a new person, I rephrase my first text or sentence to them multiple times until it sounds right. If I’m contacting someone professionally, I’m ready for them to not reply or reply negatively. I used to do this with friends as well, if I asked them favours, but I’ve managed to curb this habit of mine a little now.

What differs with decisions and beginnings, is that I believe I can somehow control a beginning such that I can turn my life to the path I want to go on. With decisions, it’s different. I can’t see exactly what will happen with decisions, I can’t predict the ripple effects they create. I feel like I can control my narrative with beginnings, but I can’t do that with decisions.

How we feel during beginnings largely contributes to the result. I’ve noticed that when I feel confident about my ability to turn things to my dream, everything goes smoothly. And even if it doesn’t, I’m okay with it. And I feel confident when I have multiple worst case scenarios thought out in my head.

Even when I had interviews recently, I thought about what I would do if I couldn’t answer a technical question, or how I would behave if the interviewer is rude. I ran through every situation I thought would catch me off-guard, and I prepared for it. I was actually pretty confident in the interviews. I mostly didn’t lose my calm. This tactic works for me.

Lately, I’ve had a lot of free time without a goal that needs to be accomplished soon. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking. Thinking about how things may have been different if I had a different attitude, or if I acted another way.

Usually, I’m not an overthinker. I revolve around productivity. Checking off tasks gives me satisfaction, a weird high. And I run behind that as much as I can. I barely take some time for myself, to simply think. I used to but I don’t anymore.

While I’m not very happy about my current lackluster days, I think they have been good because I needed this time to simply introspect. Two years back I used to take an hour a week to myself every week, just letting my thoughts run. Now I barely find an hour to blog during the semester. I actually needed these lackluster days to chill out and let myself breathe for a bit.

Now I’m mentally fully prepared to go into the next semester. I’m mentally prepared for the stress of working on two projects along with having a shorter semester. I’m prepared to not have a break after the next semester because I know that I’ll have to immediately start my 6 month internship. I wasn’t prepared like this for the last year, and I had multiple breakdowns throughout the year. I had to take multiple time-outs.

At this moment, I’m super confident that I’ll do amazing in this semester and I will have most of my shit together. I’m prepared for it. And because I’m prepared, I’m confident. This confidence makes all the difference. I recognize that.

Anyway, yeah. My point was meant to be that what you feel when starting something makes a huge difference in the path you take.

The Flatshare || an adorable and unique story

Title: The Flatshare
Author: Beth O’Leary
Genre: Romance
Category: Adult
Series info: standalone

Goodreads

I was introduced to this book through Instagram. 1) It’s cover is quite pleasing and cute and 2) it’s synopsis is so intriguing! I read this book as soon as I was in the mood for romance (which didn’t take long).

trigger warning: emotional abuse, stalking, gaslighting.

THE PLOT

Even though her ex-boyfriend quickly moved on to another woman, Tiffy still has hope and continues to live in his home. But one day, when she meets his “fiancee”, she knows that she has to leave. She needs a cheap place to stay, ASAP.

Leon is a nurse on night shifts, and hence he barely spends time in his apartment unless he’s sleeping. Add a girlfriend to the mix, and he has no extra time. Leon’s brother Richie is currently in prison for a crime he did not commit. Leon believes him and every spare penny is going to Richie’s lawyer. Because of his dwindling savings, he needs money and is willing to rent out his house.

Tiffy and Leon end up roommates, each having 12 hours in the house. The idea seems preposterous right from the beginning, but it works for them. Leon works nights, and only is at the apartment during daytime when he has to sleep. Tiffy has the apartment from 6pm until the morning. They have their schedule down. They even share the same bed, but sleep on different sides.

Since Liam’s girlfriend handled initial contact with Tiffy, Tiffy and Leon have never met. But slowly, they get to know each other by living in the same space. One day, they start leaving notes as a form of communication and it continues. Soon they’re having complete conversations in notes around the house. And that’s how they begin getting to know each other.

MY REVIEW

I absolutely loved reading this book.

The plot is unique and different. I was so intrigued that I couldn’t stop reading. The book is written in dual points of view and that made it much better to understand both characters and their lives. Other than the romance, we also truly got to know each character’s lives at work, with family and also about their romantic lives.

I love that the characters got to know each other through sticky notes around the house. At one point they had most surfaces of the house covered! It was really entertaining to read.

Of course, I still haven’t actually met my flatmate, which I acknowledge is technically a bit weird, but we’ve started leaving each other notes more and more often now – sometimes I forget we haven’t had these conversations in person.

Tiffy

The characters were super interesting.

Tiffy works as an editor in a publishing company that mostly prints books on creative fields, like knitting and furniture and “how to” books. She’s super active and energetic. Tiffy is always on a energy level higher than average and has not one subtle bone in her body. She’s chatty, funny and awesome to talk to.

Tiffy is also a “big woman”, as in she’s tall and has flesh in her body. Because of this, she’s not considered conventionally attractive which lead to Liam’s girlfriend not worrying about her.

“Often think it must be very tiring, being Tiffy. Even in note form she seems to expend so much energy.

Leon

Leon is quite the opposite from Tiffy. He’s a nurse tending to cancer patients at nights in the hospital, and tries to appease his girlfriend with spare time that he conjures up somewhere when he’s not tired enough to drop. Leon is emotionally neutral, most of the time, and he thinks and speaks in short sentences. He also doesn’t use pronouns. I took a while to get used to his monologues but it’s a huge factor to his personality. After a while, I actually found it kind of funny.

“Am not usually an angry person. Am generally mild-mannered and hard to rile”

Leon (see! he thinks like this! short sentences and NO PRONOUNS.)

The romance was really fun to read about. I enjoyed watching them interact, in both note form and, later, in person. These two very different people are so perfect for each other. I could feel the chemistry building between them through note form, and I could feel it when and after they finally met.

I wake with a jolt that sends a shock of pain through my ankle. Crying out, I look around me. Floral wallpaper. Am I at home? Who’s that man in the chair by the door, reading …. “Twilight?”

Leon blinks at me, putting the book down in his lap. ‘You went from unconscious to judgemental very quickly there.”

Tiffy dealt with emotional abuse from her ex-boyfriend, whom she struggled to move on from. I really liked how it was handled, overall.

OVERALL

This book is one of my favourite romance books. Just writing this review makes me want to reread the book. It was too good.

Definitely recommended if you’re looking to read romance, especially if you want interesting characters and a unique plot.

I rate this book..

5/5 stars

Being nostalgic

Oh my goodness, y’all. I am feeling so nostalgic right now.

It’s been a slow day, so far. I mentioned in my last post that I have a sudden vacation upon me without plans. I’ve been trying to keep myself mildly busy, though. I’ve been reading, reviewing and working on Instagram. I tried making elaborate picture settings for the first time, and they look really nice! My mum has been giving me chores to do to fill my time as well.

But I still have pockets of time where I don’t have anything to do and I don’t feel like starting something new. A while back, I found myself in that mood and decided to go through my old posts on this blog. I went way back to January 2016. My first post was on January 16th, 2016. I was 17, studying for my last high school finals. My main intention was to see how far I’ve come, to see if there’s a difference in my writing style or my content. I found what I was looking for, but I was not ready to be impacted so much by my own writing.

Reading through those old posts felt like reading an old journal, only I’m not just chronicling the events that occurred and my feelings at that time, but also my thought process. I was was reviewing books like I continue to do now, but I was also WRITING so much. Writing poems, short stories, small pieces based on daily prompts.

Once I started reading, I couldn’t stop. I went on to reading posts from February 2016, and this post just made me stop and think. I can’t even remember the last time I thought so much, about abstract things, let alone write about them. I also used to blog every single day. I didn’t worry about word counts or whether people of the internet will like this post that I’m writing. I just typed whatever I felt like, and hit publish.

Once I got the hang of blogging then, I even started writing posts on my phone! Anytime inspiration struck, I whipped out my phone and started typing. This post was written when I was walking home from my best friend’s place, and I literally just wrote about what I was thinking as I walked. Now, I look back and remember that once college started, I used to blog on my phone when I was in the bus.

Thoughts about formatting, grammar and proof-reading used to not hit me. I just wrote and published. Reading those posts makes me miss that so badly. I miss writing without a care about how I would be perceived. I miss writing.

Granted, back then my blog had a different name and no one from real life knew that I had a blog. I even blogged under an alias. It was my special corner of the internet. I did not have to worry about what people would think about me because anonymity is freeing.

At this point, I can’t even remember when I last wrote something just for the act of writing. I cannot remember the last time I thought about abstract concepts, or the last time I took 10 minutes to just think.

Back then, I wrote a post on slowing down time based on a writing prompt. I wrote that I loved walking alone, and that it allowed me to think. I wrote that everyone rushes to complete things in life and don’t take a minute to breathe, and how I make sure to take out time for myself. But today, I have become the exact opposite. I run around, trying to get things done in time and manage multiple things. I’ve become a productivity-oriented person, feeling satisfied when I’ve finished doing a bunch of tasks. It’s come to the point that now, I feel lost when I have a vacation without plans.

It doesn’t escape me that the old me would have loved to have time without set deadlines or tasks.

After a while of reading old posts and ruminating about the change in me, I became motivated to write for the first time in what feels like forever. This post that you’re reading right now will not be formatted, or proof-read. I did not decide beforehand about what I would write. I just opened up the WordPress editor and started typing. And it feels so damn good. I literally have a small smile on my face right now and my fingers are typing so fast.

Right before writing this, I checked out posts under the “writing” tag on WordPress. I used to do this a lot before, and it used to inspire me to write more. I also found such amazing blogs. So I decided to do it again, and I found these two posts:

And that was all the push I needed to start writing.

My blog has changed shape so much. I have tonnes of content now that wouldn’t have even occurred to me three years back. I share my bullet journal, I talk about Kdramas and I share my music. I do think that my reviewing style has grown. I love using images and different colours in my post. The way I review has changed, and definitely for the better.

But for the first time, I’m looking back and I’m seeing what I lost during the last two years. I stopped writing. I stopped wondering. And I started second-guessing my content. I started questioning whether people will like and want to read my blog post before even writing one word.

My content today and my content from 2016 are vastly different. So much that they look like they’re of two different blogs. But it’s the same me.

I have grown in many aspects, but I now also want to bring back some of my old self. And since this blog is mine, and it’s still my special corner of the internet, I’m not afraid to change it’s shape again.

To whoever is reading this, I don’t know when you started following me. Maybe this is the first time you’re here, or maybe you’ve been following me since the beginning. Thank you for taking the time to read my words, and i hope you will continue to read them even if they sound different.

Life Update // rambles rambles my schedule is in shambles

Hey everyone! It’s been forever since I’ve done a life update post, especially since I started doing “The Sunday Post” where I just talked about the past week’s events.

Warning: this post will probably be highly unstructured and is simply like a sit down talk. I’m really in the mood for something casual right now, and don’t feel like drafting it and revising it etc., so yeah.

First, what’s up with my blogging schedule?

I was keeping to my blogging schedule of posting blog posts three times a week for quite a long time. Probably months.

And then fifth semester of college hit me like a truck.

I kid you not, I have no clue what I did this semester and I have no idea why my time management SUCKED SO BAD. I didn’t even really use my bullet journal this time.

I’m so behind on my actual planning that I haven’t even set up my December set up yet. And my setup consists of two spreads only! The carefully curated schedule that I had which managed college, blogging and Instagram crumbled after a mere month into 5th sem.

Now I also really want to rant about this semester

To be honest, 5th sem started off wonky. I was doing an internship which overlapped the first 10 days of college. Hence I missed the first 10 days of classes in August, which immediately put me behind in basics of the subjects.

Then started the chaos of mini projects. I will tell you this, this semester has given so much BT. We did a mini project last semester and the problem statement was our choice. We had to do the same this time as well so all of us tried to pick good ones, especially since we needed to log in at least 20 days of work.

I went a little bit ambitious and took a project that uses Machine Learning. I took it because I started an online course on ML so I figured I can learn and apply it immediately.

And then. We got the news that we had to pick ANOTHER project. By this point we lost our shit.

Turns out the second mini project is actually required by the university as part of syllabus, and we weren’t explained to properly, so all of us boycotted and didn’t choose projects for it.

Only after we realized that it’s the one that’s important did we register with our problem statements and took it seriously. Of course, it also meant that a lot of people did not give a shit about the other mini project then.

It’s hard enough managing assignments, classes, extra-curriculars along with one mini project. We wouldn’t get any sleep if we did two.

But guESS WHAT. I ended up doing both. Which is why my schedule went into shambles.

Side note: this post is taking way too long to write because I’m on discord with my friends jamming to music and this is so nice (: 

Okay yeah so, back to the point, I WAS STRESSED ALL SEMESTER. I have no clue how I managed all my subjects plus everything but I did. Which is why my blogging and Instagram slipped, blogging more than Instagram.

This hectic schedule pushed me to finally go themeless on my Instagram and I have to say, I’m having fun with it. I’m posting pictures taken outside, playing around with filters and scenes etc., so at least that’s a good turn.

My reading took a big hit as well so that’s sad. I got into a book slump which honestly didn’t make me upset because I didn’t have time to read/try to read? Yeah well anyway I had to lower my reading challenge of the year to 125 from 150 because I didn’t think I’d make it. 

But on the good side..

This semester went pretty well too!

In terms of me socializing I was MUCH BETTER. I went to a book fair with two people whom I don’t really talk to in real life, I got along better with new people in group settings AND I managed to stay for over 24 hours in an event without losing my shit.

It doesn’t mean that I was completely fine in all settings, but I was better. And that’s good.

I also went to Burn The Stage and managed to not be overwhelmed by all the ARMYs there who had gathered to do events pre-screening.

While I don’t feel that I accomplished much overall in this semester, I did do small things every single week. Enough to make me feel busy. It’s never been this way before so this busy feeling is new, and I welcome it up to a point. If I didn’t feel like going to any more outings, I had no qualms about declining even though I might sound rude so that’s worked out well. I made sure to take breaks when I felt way too overloaded with work as well.

I took so many mental health days, it shows how my semester was this time.

I also had MULTIPLE DAYS where I spent around 10 hours on my laptop, doing my projects, and it put a lot of strain on my eyes. Even with glasses to help with the strain, my eyes, which are already weak as it is, turned completely red for two days after the work.

This is going to be my life later if I get into a programming job, which I’m hoping for, so might as well get used to it. Sigh.

My sleep schedule doesn’t exist anymore

Like, seriously.

I used to have a problem with sleeping in the afternoon until last year. If I slept in the afternoon, I got a headache, so I never did.

But last sem I started sleeping in the afternoons, only very few times, and I needed it so much then that I didn’t get a headache later.

This semester, I’ve been sleeping in the afternoons SO MUCH. Naps are my life right now.

My sleep schedule is: I sleep when I want to.

I have huge dark circles now. They’re ever present. I need to learn to do make up but I’m also scared to try because I have a lot of skin allergies and who knows what will set off a bad reaction. #sadlife

It’s not only me who’s got their sleep schedule messed up though. All my friends have no such thing called sleep schedule anymore. Right now three others and I are listening to music and recommending GREAT songs to each other on Discord, and one of them has a final tomorrow. But this feels so good so he hasn’t slept yet lol, and it’s 12:45am. We’re just listening to music, sometimes talking and sometimes not.

One of the friends, who has the exam tomorrow, said that things like this will be what he’ll miss once we leave college. And I agree. Another told that we can still do this but realistically, all of us will be busy and will mostly not be able to do this. Not only that, we might also not be in the mood for the same music. In fact this is the first time we’re doing this.

Right now we’re in sync and this is GREAT. I don’t mind staying up all night and listening to music like this, blogging or reading a book with it. Things like this make me grateful that I found really good friends. I was so worried when I joined college, about whether I’d get friends I’ll get along with well. And in first year, I didn’t. I kept drifting between friends and groups. I had lost expectations to find good friends to stick with but in third sem, I made a few and then I made a few more.

yay nice picture of my friends and I

Right now, I’m in a really good place where I actually text first and seek out conversation with them. And I feel lucky for this every day because I know what it’s like to not have friends and feel alone.

I have a feeling quite a few of the songs we’re listening to will make it into my “songs on repeat” post at end of this month. We’re listening to SO MANY GREAT SONGS. And I love that they’re loving the songs I’m recommending. It’s a great feeling when others love the things you recommend whether it’s books, movies, songs or anything else.

Speaking of me recommending..

I’ve got TWO people who don’t really read books to read this semester! One of them asked for a recommendation and I lent her Girl Against The Universe by Paula Stokes and she really liked it! I’ve given her The Hating Game by Sally Thorne now, which is one of my favourites of this year. Hopefully she finishes reading it soon before I find time to sell back books.

The other person is a friend I’m more close to than the previous person. She has borrowed a book from me before but she’s too busy in her life and doesn’t find the time to read. She gave the book back without reading a word. This was MONTHS back.

Recently, now that I’ve gotten into BTS as well, we’ve had many conversations about fans, influence, stardom etc. And for the first time it went really deep and we spoke for HOURS recently. Funnily enough it happened when we skipped the last of our labs because no one felt like attending.

So we were talking and I was drawing parallels between ARMYs and the fans of “The Arc” in the book I Was Born For This by Alice Osman. I had read the book when she and another friend first got into BTS and were totally obsessed with them, and I wasn’t. So I was telling her about all the similarities and she wanted to hear more so I ended up telling her the summary of the book.

She liked it so much that she asked me for the book because she wants to read it, and she’s hooked. She’s been loving the book so far and she’s less than 1/4th in because of her busy life. But I’ve seen a few of her annotations (and she has MANY) where she just marks things similar in real life with BTS and ARMY. I’m so proud seeing her reading a book finally.

oh hey it’s me in my natural habitat.

Okay I think I’ll stop here.

It’s 1:13am, all of us are still on Discord and the songs have gone into ones with more chorus and raw emotion instead of the hard and fast beats that we started with. We might transition into sad and nostalgic songs if we don’t stop soon lol.

I’ve written 1.7k words wow. Too long. Better stop.

What’s new in your life? Are you stressing out or having fun with friends? Let me know in the comments!

Millenials by Emily Palermo

This isn’t a regular post. I’m just sharing my favourite poem.

So I found this poem on Tumblr back in high school and I fell in love with it. I even by-hearted it. But once college started, I didn’t even think about it. Recently I remembered it and I’ve been trying to remember it but I could only recall bits and pieces. Some words here and there and the vibe I felt.

I tried searching but this didn’t come up. On Monday, I finally remembered a unique line and when I googled it, I found the poem. I’m so glad. I’m sharing it today because I haven’t seen ANY talk about it. Honestly, does anyone even know it? Because I just love it so much. I’m guessing the poem on her Tumblr was deleted because I can’t find it there anymore.

Here’s the poem:

“We, the stumbling prophets
screaming ourselves raw,
wondering if Atlas will ever take
the world from our shoulders. 
We, the impossible.
We, the unyielding.

We, the unrelenting heretics
burning alive for truths
the old world will never 
be ready to hear.
We, the nuclear. 
We, the radioactive.

We, the unwilling angels
choking on the innocence
shoved down our throats,
ripping these unforgiving
linens to shreds. 
We, the celestial.
We, the hungry.

We, the courageous damned
kissing revolution in the moonlight,
crushing fate between our teeth.
We, the unholy.
We, the light.”

Click here to see it as a quote on Goodreads.

*All rights of the poem belongs to Emily Palermo)

What’s your favourite poem?

Rambles #1

rambles #1 (1).png

I don’t do this often.

I don’t open up the page to write a blog post with absolutely no planning. This “let your hands and heart take your words where they want to go” thing? I haven’t done it for… probably several months now. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to blog about, or what blog posts I had to write, when I open a new draft.

And I’ve missed this. My title space is blank right now, because I legit don’t know what I’m going to talk about. So I’m warning you, this will probably be the most unstructured, not focused blog post in a LONG time.

When I began blogging, I never told anyone IRL that I blogged. Because this was meant to be my personal space where I could talk about anything and everything, and I really did NOT want any IRL contacts to read those thoughts. They were things I was comfortable only sharing with like-minded people of the internet who did not know me in real life, and could not judge me on a whole.

I kept this blog a secret for MONTHS and slowly, after I began college and finally found the direction this blog was going, I started letting people know that I had a blog. By then, everyone who knew me before was either shocked or hurt—because I didn’t even tell them I had a blog.

Even about a couple weeks back, I told a friend from college (whom I’m not much close to) that I was blogging then and he was shocked that I had a blog. Because we’d known each other for over a year and I didn’t exactly go around promoting my blog, he didn’t know. When I said I’ve been blogging for almost two years, he was hurt.

My point from the last couple paragraphs* is that this blog stopped being an unrestricted outlet. Since the time I began to give IRL people links to this blog, I’ve edited posts and hidden complete posts of my ramblings. It’s personal, you know? And they’re things I only tell my best friends, sometimes not even them.

Back when I was completely anonymous here, that was when I blogged freely like this. When I was sad or happy or just whenever, I would pick up my phone or get on the computer and blog my heart out. I’ve even written a couple blog posts while crying. And I miss that.

*not that I REALLY have any point in this blog post

There’s a new feature with a recent update on wordpress—you can make individual posts “password protected”. The reader has to know the password to read those posts, and I’ve honestly been wanting to use it for a while now. I would give the password to a few blogger friends who have been following me since the beginning—and have supported me through those emotional posts—or maybe no one.

Blogging while thinking about niches, followers, what you want your content to be or become is sometimes exhausting. The simple blogging which I knew when I made a website on the fly: just typing as you go, can be such a release. There’s no thinking about followers, views, making your posts look good and trying to compete with all the bloody amazing blogs out there.

Yeah you could email the bloggers your friends with with your thoughts, but it isn’t the same. I follow a lot of blogs which are still owned by anonymous bloggers who simply write their heart out. I’ve been following them since I began blogging. But recently most of the posts I read are of informative content or are on a proper topic. They’re not rambles about life, emotions and just living. They’re not rambles, period.

I used to blog about reviews and through seeing other blogs with book reviews, I found the innumerable book blogs with AMAZING content, and I found myself wanting to be them. I wanted to put out professional content, still do, but I find myself missing this rambly side of blogging more.

(also, I’m only now noticing the frequency with which I’m saying the words “blog”,”blogger” and “blogging”) (if I say it as many times from now, you’re welcome to yell at me lol)

I honestly can’t remember the last time one of my posts was this long with no graphics, bullet points OR sub-headings. No joke. I’m itching to add graphics and make this more “presentable” but I’m trying to hold back and be free with this post. That’s what this is all about.

You know what, when I wanted to write this post—to just type my heart out—I was thinking more on the lines of academic and IRL stresses. Not blogging. It just went that way, and I’m glad.

Until now I’ve been trying not to stick to a niche even though my book-related posts are significantly more. This is mostly because I still want to write personal posts like this with no real point. Other than making myself feel better.

I would have read a HUGE number of posts around the internet on blogging until now. And many of them that give advice say don’t stress yourself about blogging. Don’t make it another job. If you’re not enjoying it, don’t worry about taking a hiatus. I’ve said these things myself. And I HAVE taken a month-long hiatus once this year.

I hated it.

I’m pretty sure I blogged and just scheduled the posts to go up next month. Despite the amount of time it requires, I love the whole process of writing my thoughts on something. Doesn’t matter if it’s based on a prompt or not. I’ve never been good at talking for long face-to-face but I am pretty good at it through a screen, if I say so myself.I’m not analyzing you while saying this to determine if you’re engaged. I’m not worrying about keeping your attention.

A lot of times when I’m saying something either in a conversation or to multiple people on a stage, I tend to go off-script based on the reaction I see. I switch tactics, leave out stuff or explain it further. I have that fear that I’m doing doing enough to keep the person(s) in front of me interested.

Multiple times I stop a conversation in middle before even getting to the point. I wrap it up quickly because I see that the other person isn’t really into it, and I’m not going to force them to listen. 99% of the times I’m right and the person doesn’t even realise that I cut it short.

This is why I love blogging. If the reader is engaged, great. If not, I can’t do anything. And my posts do “stick to script” since I don’t modify it based on the response. It’s freeing

If you have a blog with a niche (not personal-related), I don’t know how you do it. I’m more than 1k words into this talking about blogging when it wasn’t even on my mind—or that’s what I thought.

I’ve just named the blog post Rambles #1. Because that’s what this is, and I have nothing else to say in the title. And I really do want to ramble about more things, hence the #1.

See you soon.

तेरे लबों में एक अधूरी प्यास बाकी है

Hey everyone! One of my friends, Shobhit Kushwaha, writes poetry and I thought why not feature one of his works over here! It’s originally in Hindi, but we’ve tried to translate it as best as we can. Enjoy!

तेरे लबों में एक अधूरी प्यास बाकी है..
(There is an incomplete thirst in your lips)

तुझसे एक अधूरी आस बाकी है ..
(There’s still one last hope from you)

ज़िन्दगी में अभी कुछ मुकाम बाकी है ..
(There are still some things left in life)

दिल में अभी तेरे एहसास बाकी है ..
(Your presence is still there in the heart)

मेरे ज़िस्म में अभी कुछ साांस बाकी है ..
(There is still some breath left in my body)

तेरे आँखों के अभी कुछ जाम बाकी है
(Looking into your eyes still makes me drunk)

तुझसे अभी कुछ अरमान बाकी है ..
(There are still some desires left for you)

मन में कुछ अनकहे ख्याल बाकी है ..||
(There are still some untold thoughts in the mind left)

Writing under 25 words

Writing under 25 words (1)

 

It has been SO LONG since I’ve written, or published a post with my writing. The thing, I’m spending a lot of time for college and have simply not found the time to write. But recently, I jotted a few small things, and I thought I’d share them with you today! They’re not very good, or eloquent, but they’re just some things that were going through my mind when I was down for a bit.



There are too many versions of those three words.


I move on too fast, they say.
I never really stopped.


I hide too much.
It’s a blessing and a curse.


Everyone is unique.
It also means I’m alone.


I don’t fit into a plan, goal or path.
Tunnel vision throws me out.


Is it me, or is time moving too fast for us to even breathe in life, rather cherish it.


I want to show off my talent.
I want to hide myself.


I am not un-noticed, but I’m also not really noticed.
Where does that leave me?


When you internalise pain, you start to recognise it in others’ eyes too.


Sometimes I wish I was an open book.
Then I’m glad I’m not.


Simple choices make big impacts.
That’s why I hesitate at every step.


I don’t know who I am.
How can I explain myself to others?


They started associating invincibility with numbness.


She was wind.
Everyone enjoys her touch, but no one sees her.


I want to be fearless, standing on the edge of the roof.
But I’m also suicidal.


The words convey only half of it. The tone conveys the rest.
Text messages mask so much.


Happiness and contentment draw me in.
Perhaps it’ll balance me.
But I might also destroy it.


Probably. Maybe. Someday. We’ll see.
These words exist in my vocabulary to escape from attachment.


By the time I brave up to say something, everyone’s moved on. I am left behind.
In more ways than one.


I need human interaction to prove to myself that I’m still alive.
But I also just want to be alone.


I am not afraid of oblivion.
I am afraid of recognition.


Let’s play a game called
who notices when I’m gone.


I am afraid of being understood.
I want to be understood.
I am a f r a i d of being understood.


The only place I find complete comfort is in the depths of my mind.
But that’s also where I drown.


Sometimes all I want is to feel.
Other times, I simply want to be numb.



I don’t

i dont.jpg

It’s been a year and 12 days. I didn’t even notice, until I saw a message from you today morning saying you miss me. It’s been over a year now. I didn’t realise. But then, you don’t value for me anymore.

I remember, how we came together, like a wave softly crashing onto the shore. I was the shore- steady, calm, always there and you were the wave of water-in the form of my favourite color, exciting, always moving. And when we met, I held on to you, and you held on to me.

But soon, you receded, pulled away, strayed far. After that, I saw you and you saw me but we never met again. Water always moves, even under layers, to different places.

I kept count of the dates after that-a week, 10 days, two weeks, a month, two months, three. I heard what my friends told, how I wasn’t the same. How I lost my spark and they were sad to see me that way.

Slowly, I began to not think of you. I smiled genuinely, laughed from my heart and moved on. Even though you were still in front of me almost every day, moving in the same friends circles as I, I began unseeing you. You were there but to me, you weren’t more than one of the strangers in the background.

You moved on, I heard, a few months later. But by then, I refused to care.

And now after more than a year, you try to wade back into my life like a lost soul looking for home where he previously felt warmth. I wasn’t enough then, how will I be enough now.

I spent the whole day, moving around in a haze, remembering everything of the recent past. The memories of us two together which kept running through my head again and again, us laughing, making jokes, sharing our day. Today, I can hardly remember any of those moments.

It’s evening now, I open your message again.

I miss you, it says. It hasn’t changed. Oh, I wish it had.

I let out a huge breath,

I don’t.

All I have left are words as compensation

All I have left are words as compensation..png

I sucked at writing before, my love, and I still don’t write well

But now, I’ve got words inside me

so many

so many words

waiting to be poured out like a waterfall, to be let out from behind an invisible barrier acting as a dam

to be said.

 

We were a crescendo, building up very fast

so very fast

I was afraid and wanted to slow down but it wasn’t possible, was it? We fell into each other and I wondered if you’d catch me before I crash.

But you were right there, arms outstretched, giving me faith and belief.

Every laugh of yours, every touch gave me chills and made blood flow through my veins newly

As if I was discovering myself for the first time as I was discovering you

As you were coveting me

I smile, remembering our first moments together

And others in between

Small memories which bring a flutter of happiness from inside me even though I’m sitting alone in my room

Which make me blush while walking in busy streets

Which make me turn pink for the first time when my friends tease me

We were a crescendo of notes and words, making such music

We were.

Somehow, almost at the top, we halted for a minute

And came back down.

Spiraled down, our hands losing grip

All I could hear was the wind as it went past us, as we fell back in such a fast pace

A few minutes was all it took

A few messages

A few said words

And just like that we were two again.

I keep wondering what went wrong, how we went from talking all day long one day and breaking up the next

I still wonder why you brought it up, darling

I make excuses and reasons on your behalf in my head but I suppose I will never know

Our music stopped in the middle of a short note

Abrupt enough to put me into shock for a while

But it doesn’t matter anymore

None of my hurt or thoughts matter because you are happy

You are happy, and I guess it’s because of her

I feel glad to see you smile and laugh and not cracked inside like me

But the crack inside me opens up just a bit more every time I see you two together

Every time I find a glimpse of how we were

Every time you hold her hand

hug her tight

put your arm over her shoulder

And I just turn away

unable to bear it but unable to say anything about the metaphorical band-aids I try to stick onto the cracks on my heart

In the end, maybe I should thank you

For making words bubble up inside me again

To want to pour out

Only,

you won’t ever find a trace of them.

 

the old me

theoldme

there is this quietness that seeps into me

through cracks and edges i have not yet managed to

close off and seal

 

the old me

the quiet me

the depressed me

the alone me

the old me

who

hardly

smiled

 

some times when

in the throes of that quietness

sitting uncomfortably with the noise and interaction around me

surrounded by my friends

friends of the “outgoing” me

those times i want to get up

shoulder my bag and walk away silently

just walk away

back to how i used to be

with silence as my company

with no complications and facades to keep up

back to when

i was alone

but not lonely

 

you have become so dependant

the memory of my old self taunts me

she says

look how we were, content

now you feel lonely every time you sit alone in public

I shake her words off

I reply to a comment a friend said

and in a few seconds of being silent

I hear her again

we used to want that, remember?

want to be alone

never unsatisfied by it

look at you now

 

i do remember

how i was completely content

of being by myself

 

i’ve changed

but not so much too

i still look around

look at this big group of friends

and wish i was alone once in a while

wish i could leave

without an explanation

simply because i want to

simply because i want that silence

i lived in for so long

which feels like a happy home for a visit

 

this noise

these interactions

become too much for me some times

i just want to sit quiet

with only my own thoughts

for a while

 

I look up, hearing my name

I become the present me again.

the old me slides away, now quiet, still a reminder

the other half of me no one knows

Pinpricks

Pinpricks.png

Oh, darling, do you even have the slightest idea what goes through me every time I see you now? I become elated for a fraction of a second before remembering that you are not mine anymore. I shouldn’t be looking for your face in a crowd; I shouldn’t look twice at someone else just because the colour of their shirt matches yours today.

I shouldn’t.

It would hurt more and more and more and I’ll bring myself down so much that I start to pull back from the world. I shouldn’t—because I know you don’t care.

There are several pinpricks in my heart now. Every time I see you with her, a few more small holes open up and start to trickle invisible blood of pain. I’m bleeding out slowly slowly slowly and you don’t even realise it as you smile and hug her right in front of me.

I was afraid of giving you my heart in fear that you would smash it, but I was finally starting to trust you; and you ran out of patience. Somewhere between you proclaiming your love for me and the words coming out of my mouth; when I was reaching out and handing over my heart to you, you drifted away and I was left standing there with my heart, now beating very slowly as if in shock, mocking me. I only watched when I saw you with her the next day. My heart only started trickling from those few small holes.

It hurts. I feel a small jab, a few tiny pricks every time and its oh, so hard to continue smiling and laughing and seem fine when I’m anything but. Sometimes I want to let out my feelings, and tell it to you, pour out everything inside me but the same thought holds me back. You won’t catch me as I fall. Is there a point of jumping?

This once, I wish I was selfish. So I could blame you, hate her, hate you and move on from this but I’m not able to, no, because I know that it was me who unintentionally let you go and the lack was in me, not you.

It’s all-the-more harder to look at YOU and smile and converse as “friends” when all I want to do is hold your hand and hug you tight. The sight of her in the edges of my vision, present with you always makes me want to turn around, hold my heart tight and go away away away hoping that if you’re out of sight, you’ll be out of mind too.